The Third Person

“Mother died today. Or, maybe, yesterday; I can't be sure. The telegram from the Home says: Your mother passed away. Funeral tomorrow. Deep sympathy. Which leaves the matter doubtful; it could have been yesterday.” – Albert Camus

This is the first sentence form Albert Camus's book, “The Stranger”. I remember I was totally in love with this book for some weird reason. After reading it, I was convinced that Camus was one hell of a great writer. The book had many existentialism elements which makes one embrace such a school of thought. I am not afraid to share the fact that I have been going through derealisation/depersonalization for the past three months. As scary as it gets sometimes, it makes one appreciates so much more. The way I can describe it defers from one person to another. For the first segment, the description is simple and consist of “imagining a state of mind where you are on a marijuana bad trip constantly, ultimately, losing touch with reality, consciousness, and self”, for others, its best described as either “a constant state of deejavu” or “an unintended feeling of material detachment which is filled with all sort of existential questions about life, god, death, purpose, and meaning”.

Even though these questions might appear normal and a phase that most individuals in early adolescences go through, however, in a state of DP/DR, such questions are much more concentrated in an obsessive manner. I must make a clear distinction that DP/DR is not a form of depression, even though; such a state of mind could lead to it.

Psychology links it with anxiety or life stresses, but honestly speaking, what is psychology? It is a new branch of science that is in its early form that does not comprehend the human condition to an adequate level and base its scale of normality in a uniformed sense.  It treats the intangible with chemical symptoms to mask them instead of heal them without considering our own ability to chemically produce any deficiency in our brain using different forms of techniques such as meditation, positive thinking, or other means. Most importantly, it neglects any sort of spiritual realm in its attempt to address such symptoms. I am not attacking psychology as a discipline, but rather, giving it its appropriate value in according to my perception.  

I, along with many individuals around the world can be going through a Quarter life crisis, spiritual crisis, dark night of the soul, existential anxiety, or an awakening for all I know. Or, I could just be labeled to have DP/DR since I fit 5+ symptoms of anxiety disorder. Its trigger could be the fact that I received traumatic news about a death of a friend (which made me think about death) or it could have been cannabis intake and the consequence of college life. Regardless, it is there, it exists and it’s not fun to have.

On the positive side, one really gets to appreciate the importance of the conscious mind and its ability to be in control! One really understands the humanitarian aspect of the universe and how each individual has an active part in the universe. I know I exist, I just don’t know why and for what reason! I know I will die, but I don’t know when or where to, if any. The one desire I have is to get back to who I was in terms of consciousness, yet, not change the good qualities that was developed during the experience such as taking care of my body, socializing with individuals, sense of understanding, sense of detachment (to an extend), and finally, asking the big questions of life that differentiates me from an animal or a robot.

On a final note, I want to send out a message to the many youth that are experimenting with drugs and consider cannabis as a drug without a side effect! You are wrong! There is a reason why you do drugs and it is more spiritual than mental to be honest. Drug makes you feel “good”, you should consider why you can’t feel good “naturally” and change your lifestyle accordingly. You feel like you want to get lose or escape from reality, but the truth is, reality is what we treasure the most and our will to change it becomes weaker when you submit yourself to chemicals that provides an illusion or a temporary mask to reality! Keep your head up and believe that life is never comprehensible over a session or two. What you went through, going through, or will go through will only make you stronger to face bigger tests and difficulties.  Don’t look around you and compare your situation with others because as Plato says “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”

Much love people!